Quietly Dangerous: A Black Belt's Case for Modesty

Scrolling through social media yesterday, I came across a post that made me pause. I knew it was rage bait, and I knew engaging with it would distort my algorithm for a bit — but I couldn't help feeling compelled to counter it. The meme suggested, more or less, that modesty was society's way of forcing men to shrink their accomplishments into conformity, and that somehow modesty was lacking in masculine merit. That men should be allowed to boast unashamedly about their — often lackluster — achievements.

Obviously, I disagree. Modesty is one of our very first Black Belt principles. In our studio we use a modified definition: "Be humble with one's skills; never brag or show off. Be free from conceit and vanity, and have propriety in dress. Show restraint in your speech and conduct. Present courage and decency to everyone around you." I feel that this definition helps us walk the line between displaying confidence and being an insufferable toad. Modesty is not shrinking — it is being quietly confident. It is accepting what you are capable of without broadcasting your full potential.

I personally feel that modesty, the way we define it, is far more manly. No one likes a showoff. No one likes it when you look down your nose at someone simply because of your ability. We should always strive to show up to any event or circumstance prepared to do what is demanded of us. And finally — the most masculine thing of all — displaying character, courage, and decency. This in no way makes anyone small. In fact, I believe it makes a man more interesting.

True modesty is the embodiment of "just because I can, doesn't mean I should." It requires us to be thoughtful about our actions — to pause before we act and ask whether this is appropriate. In a world where everything we say or do can be immediately broadcast, it is more important than ever to practice the pause that modesty asks of us. Last week I wrote about protecting others from ourselves; this includes protecting others from having to bear the weight of our accolades.

I can see how many would feel that modesty is shrinking. In a world that wants to see our very best all the time, not hyping yourself to the max can feel like you're leaving opportunity on the table. If that interviewer had just known about my greatness, that job would have been mine. If more people online understood what a great coach I was, I wouldn't have to work so hard. My achievements are so great that everyone should know!Easy, right? Rather than having the discipline to grow your expertise and prove your case, it's easier to just say: hey, look how great I am — because I'm a man!

The more we look into the quiet confidence of modesty, however, the more we realize that the less we say about ourselves, the more sway we have over others. Constant self-promotion doesn't prove our knowledge — it just proves we can't shut up. Think about it the next time you're in a meeting. Are you trying to talk over others, or are you waiting for people to lean on your knowledge of a particular solution — because you have demonstrated time and time again that you are reliable and capable? I love the idea that we have two ears and one mouth. No one likes the person who never stops talking. People want to be curious and impressed. If you're too busy telling everyone how great you are, you're only giving them the opportunity to remain unimpressed.

Being modest makes you bigger, it makes you reliable, and it makes you a very, very dangerous person